I drink, drink a lot. I need it. I desperately need to find dark hole in me mind, in which I can hide. For a moment or two. For a moment not to think. For a moment hide from
A am mathematician all me live. Or for me it appear so. Now I earn money by researching new approach in computation. Last project was ... was others. My computer farm, me precious sheeps went mad. I have no result whatsoever. Only main server blur for a moment.
It was the nicest moment in me live. More intimate than sex, more deep than love, more relaxing than smoking grass.
I dig deep in source code, try to find origin of this anomaly. And I can't. All me knowing of mathematics and coding is for nothing. A can't think error, I can't find the source of that anomaly.
I always get the same heavenly divine blur which make me taste i good like feeling.
But something have change, something in me. Hunger I never know, hunger to prolong that feeling. Extend it. By part of it.
Tomorrow I will consult me program with me boss.
But now, I just don't want to think, don't want to feel anything,. Don't want to feel that sinister hunger...
World is strange place to live. I know, everyone know it. But I thing, i thing is not the only one.
Yesterday i show me computational experiment to me boss. I have expected to see his excitement, to see him cry or laugh. But I don't expect to see him ... to see him just watch in infinity behind a blur. He just stay. Say nothing. I think he was not even breathing. Just look on something I never know.
I felt anger. I don't know why. On first moment. Now I know. I become obsessed, I want to see what have he seen. And I ... I yell at him. And ... and he ignored me. Then me anger rise and rise.
I lost control.
I beat him. Beat him hard.
He say no word, no sound. Just look at something I am not able to see.
I beat him. Beat him hard. And I cried like a baby, which lost a toy. I lost a dream. He steal it from me. I felt it this way.
Now i know, it was ... it was not right. But i need to continue, I need to see what he has seen. And I saw his eye, I saw something in his eye. Something green and yellow. Something wide...